The doctor is… IN

The answer to life, the universe, and everything is apparently ‘more drugs’. I finally got in to see my psychiatrist, who will now be known as Dr. Lucy, on Tuesday and she said we should try adding Zoloft to the Wellbutrin XL. The ultimate goal of this is to bring my anxiety back down to a manageable level. Apparently it’s not normal to feel like you’re choking 99% percent of the time. She also said that adding Zoloft might help with my sleeping problems, because not sleeping is a problem, since my body treated Celexa as a depressant. It was helpful in that I was able to live through the pain those first 9 months after Alberto left, but utterly useless because I became a Celexa zombie – a walking, talking, barely functioning nightmare.

Dr. Lucy is also of the opinion that I need something to do, even if that is simply preparing for the worst case scenario. She says that for someone like me, being stuck in limbo with nothing to work towards is a comparable form of torture to the rack. I need work to do, a plan to make, a goal to achieve so I feel like I’m doing something positive. Whatever I do to keep busy has to be something that will occupy my mind whether I’m actively thinking about it or not. It would also be best if my goal were not exclusively linked to the worst possible outcome. Dr. Lucy suggested I make a list of tasks that would need to be complete in order to facilitate an international move, and another list of issues to solve that would make my life easier here in the US. Then I could compare the lists, find something that overlaps, and work towards solving that issue. 

Monday is stalking me...

Last week was busy at work which helped me get my mind off of the deplorable behavior and general attitude of the DHS.  I refuse to dedicate every waking minute of my life to loathing them; it would give them too much power.  Ashley has been sick so I’m getting less sleep than normal, which amounts to about 4 hours a night if that.  I much prefer insomnia to sleeping too much, but it seems I may never find a happy middle ground.

On Tuesday I won a raffle at work for 4 free tickets to Disney on Ice.  I was happy to have won them, but they were for Thursday evening which would mean I’d have to skip my visit with Alberto that day.  At least I had the opportunity to tell Alberto in person on Tuesday, since he hardly ever calls me.  Since I had 4 tickets, I invited my mom and my niece to join Ashley and me.  I figured my poor sister-in-law would be too exhausted to enjoy the show since she is 6 months pregnant with her third child.  I really enjoyed the show and so did the girls. Our seats were awesome; we were on the lower level and 13 rows from the stage.  I definitely want to go again next year, so I better start saving now. 

‘Gourmet’ hot dog dinner - $30, cotton candy - $12, 2 t-shirts - $40, popcorn - $10, Rapunzel doll - $30, Rapunzel hair set - $16, parking - $5, listening to your child exclaim, “Mamí! Mamí!  Look at the princesses!  So pretty!” – priceless.  There are some things money can’t buy.  For everything else there’s a lifetime of debt on a high interest credit card. 

Seriously, that’s almost a $150 for a couple of lukewarm hot dogs that the girls wouldn’t even eat and a few souvenirs!  Yes, it was a cool show and we all enjoyed it, but how much would it have cost us if we’d bought the tickets too?  I shudder just thinking about it.

Not again!

I know I need to keep blogging even when nothing is really happening, but I often find myself the victim of writer’s block.  Luckily it’s not terminal. 

We received a nasty letter in the mail after the immigration hearing on January 30th.  Apparently, the prosecutor wasn’t satisfied that my husband plead guilty to Riot 2 when he did nothing wrong, and so he received an order to pay restitution.  Naturally I was quite upset, but who wouldn’t be; the amount demanded was $10,700 and change!  I called Brian’s cellphone in a blind panic, and much to my surprise he actually answered it.  I know much of what I said in the first 5 minutes was incoherent before he ordered me to take a deep breath and tell him what happened.  I took a steadying breath, and then another before I could tell him about the letter in my trembling hand.  “They can’t do this,” said Brian, “They only had 30 days to file for restitution.  We will motion to contest this.  I need you to fax me the letter and I’ll get started on this right away.”  Without a fax machine close at hand, I scanned the letter and emailed it to him.  My next question was an import one; as Alberto’s wife, am I obligated to pay this if he cannot?  The short answer is no.  At least I know that they can’t confiscate what I have to pay this ludicrous demand for money.

 I showed my mom the letter and explained that we would contest this order so that Alberto wouldn’t have to pay anything.  Almost in unison my parents exclaimed, “and how in the hell do they think Alberto will be able to pay this when he doesn’t have a job or even permission from immigration to stay in the US?!”  They were outraged at the very thought of ordering an innocent man to pay restitution for something he didn’t do.  I looked up the Register of Actions from Caña’s trial and discovered he was ordered to pay restitution although it doesn’t say how much.  Maybe they decided to attach the order for restitution for the brother most likely to be able to pay it in the long run?  Caña is set to be deported the minute his sentence has been completed.  Alberto says he doesn’t care if he has to pay it or not, but for me it’s the principal of the thing.  I am not going to allow the government, county or federal, to give my husband the short end of the stick.

No Brain Required

So here we are yet again, held captive with no other choice but to wait and see.  Have I mentioned before how much I hate the whole ‘wait and see’ philosophy of life?  The attorney representing the government has shown us that they are incapable of thinking logically.  Lance requested a copy of the parole documentation on Alberto in order to prepare our petition for relief which we need to bring to the hearing.  I guess the difference in what type of parole was granted will determine if Alberto can adjust status here, or if he will have to return to Mexico first.  The government attorney told Lance that he would provide the document for him at the hearing Thursday.  Lance countered with the fact that we are expected to identify the type of relief we are seeking, which we cannot prepare for if we don’t know which type of parole Alberto was given.  I wonder what it would be like to work somewhere where the application states, ‘Brain preferred but not required’.  I’ll admit my opinion of government employees is at an all-time low, but if you read the news I’m sure you understand how that opinion was formed.

There is something that I want more than anything in the world right now, that I would give anything to be able to do.  I want to pick up the phone and call my husband just to hear his voice.  It doesn’t matter that we usually don’t have much to talk about or that I visit him 3 times a week now, I want to call him and hear his voice.  I want to talk to him about everything and nothing.  I want him to be here, suffering through this by my side.  I want to wash his clothes and complain about the condition of his socks; I just bought these last week how did you already get holes in them?!  I want to annoy him with my rampant disorganization that comes when I decide to clean everything all at once.  I want to go to Taqueria Los Ocampos and make him order for me because the girl at the counter looks at me funny.  I want a lazy Sunday spent watching an action movie, followed by whatever comedy I picked out.  I want to be awake at 2 in the morning; not because I can’t sleep, but because my husband has been talking for 3 hours and there is no end in sight.  I want everything I took for granted while Alberto was here with me.  I want Ashley to run to her Papí to ask him after I already said no, even though that would probably irritate the ever living crap out of me.  I will take whatever I can get.

Anger Management

My weekend that started out so good, ended so badly that I am still recovering.  My cousin got married on Saturday and everything was beautiful.  The day was perfect, the location was unique, and the flower girl only slightly cranky.  Saturday morning Ashley was up early so we went to go and visit Alberto at jail.  We talked about nothing in particular and ended with the agreement that I would try this method I devised for Alberto to be able to call Mexico and talk to his family there.  After leaving the jail, we got home for breakfast and then left immediately for Ashley to get a haircut.  Since I’m useless when it comes to styling, I had Fantastic Sam’s create an up do for Ashley and so discovered they had a portable DVD player on hand with Dora movies.  Perfect!  About 45 minutes later we were on our way home again.  I had enough time to get dressed then get Ashley dressed before we had to leave for pictures before the ceremony.  After the ceremony I bought ice cream which was a shameless bribe to keep my 3 year old happy for another round of pictures and poses.  We arrived home and spent 20 minutes doing nothing before we left for the reception.  I made a call to the babysitter’s house to make sure she remembered that I was going to pick her up around 9; there was no answer so I left a voicemail.  I called several times before 9:30 without an answer or a call back from my messages, I even called her mother’s cell phone without any luck.  Ashley had already been asleep about 30 minutes and we were passing her around like a sack of potatoes.  Luckily my cousin agreed to babysit for me since she was able to dance due to a knee injury, and I took them to the house to get settled.  My cousin was asleep when I came home at 11 pm, and I promptly went to bed myself after seeing her off with her mother.

Bittersweet Memories

Each letter I receive from Alberto is better than the last.  He is writing down on paper the words that he would so rarely say.  My favorite part of each letter is when he describes a memory that he has of us that made him smile that day.  The times we would go walking in the park, to the movies, or even just having a lazy day in the house with a few rented movies.  He talks about how much the walks together meant to him, but it seems he doesn’t remember how I would have to pester him to get him to go anywhere.  Mi media naraja is more of a homebody than I ever was, and I was pretty adept at sitting on my butt for hours at a time.  I remember the times we would go the movie theater and spend time in the arcade playing air hockey, and now that theater is gone as well as the arcade.  I remember going to the fair with Alberto and buying him something silly just because I wanted to see him smile.  Memories are looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses, forgetting the mundane and emphasizing the pretty.

I am more sentimental then I thought I was.  Today as I was cleaning out my purse, which I have to do on a weekly basis, I discovered all of the letters that Alberto has written me from jail.  I didn’t realize that I was carrying them with me everywhere I go, but I have done just that for over a month.  I like the idea that I am carrying a piece of my husband with me whether I go.  I also have a $200 and $100 peso bill in my wallet from our last trip to Mexico, Alberto’s new check card, and a 1987 Mexican silver coin.  I also have a variety of key chains that include the virgencita keychain I bought at the Basilica, one that is engraved from Things Remembered, and a third that I only put back on yesterday that is a bit more meaningful.  I lost it at one point a few years ago when I lost my one and only car key for a few days and I was distraught.  It is an old silver Mexican coin from the 1950’s that has cut-outs that were melted back onto the coin to make the virgen at her chapel and I love it.  I think I harassed Alberto for several months before he let me have it, but I have carried it for several years.  I used to have the card for the last bouquet of flowers in my wallet, but after it started fading last year I put it in a picture frame.  The last time he gave me flowers was in July of 2002; three red roses that unfortunately did not survive the move.  I want to find a pretty box to put all of my memories in, and I know I should go through what I have in the shoebox I had been using and throw some things out.

And suddenly, nothing continued to happen...

It’s been really slow since my last post therefore I don’t have much if anything to write about.  There’s enough for a longish summary, so here we go!  The weather forecast states it will continue to be disgustingly humid in Minnesota until the flying monkeys arrive to attack the massive upper-level ridge that has us trapped this heat wave.  The humidity is so high that you sweat rolls down your face after being outside for 5 minutes!  You feel like you’re in sauna, only in verse since the only respite is an air-conditioned environment.  In the Fall, Winter, and Spring we complain about the snow, ice, and those idiots that forget how to drive every year.  During the Summer we complain about the humidity, road construction, and the rough sledding conditions.

One of the more interesting things that happened lately was on Wednesday last week when I got a phone call during the day.  I answered the phone in English for the first time in weeks only to listen to some guy stammer for several seconds.  I tried again in Spanish and this guy proceeded to talk a mile a minute.  The guy was calling regarding the visa application looking to speak with Alberto.  I informed him that Alberto was not available to take any calls at this time and I advised him to contact our attorney.  He read the attorney’s phone number to me for validation and then stated he would be contacting Lance immediately.  I was puzzled by this call, so I emailed Lance with the information I was given as well as the phone number from my caller ID.  I googled the phone number and it came back as a relay number for the National Visa Center, however I suspect he was actually working within the American Consulate of Ciudad Juarez since he evidently did not speak English.  Here is a clear example of why I find the immigration attorney so irritating at times.  Lance replied to my email, “This is odd indeed.  Let me call.  I suspect it is about scheduling and no more.”  He writes as those he were composing a telegram.  Maybe he was abducted and replaced by an android like Data from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’.  Either way since we are not processing anything on the immigration front at this time, I found him to be more amusing than anything.  Later it occurred to me this could be the result of my latest email to the Senator’s office requesting assistance.  So far I haven’t heard anything back, but tomorrow or Thursday I will poke at Lance again.

Tiggers aren't the only things that bounce...

There is nothing more pleasant than when your attorney writes you an email to let you know your payment bounced.  Now I am no longer allowed to write checks for my bi-weekly payments and I owe the original amount of that check, plus a $25 fee charged by the attorney, and the returned check fee imposed by the bank.  Fantastic! Not only that but next pay day is not going to be pretty since I didn’t get paid for the Holiday and I have to take a few hours off to be at Alberto’s court on Friday morning.  What I really need is for Marcos to man up and pay me what he owe, and for Fabian to stop being a pendejo about the money he owes Alberto.  I am really tired of all of this financial terrorism inflicted by a depressed economy and a sadistic bank.  For once in my life I just want to be ok, and not have to count my pennies as they fly willy-nilly out of my wallet.  I think I really need to consider going to bed even though I can’t sleep since I actually used ‘willy-nilly’ in a sentence.

I decided to change the name of my blog today because ‘Light A Candle’ did not really describe why I am blogging.  As much as I would like to believe that what I say on here is helping reduce ignorance on a small scale, in reality I blog because I need an outlet.  It is driving me crazy that Alberto calls me maybe twice a week a most, but I know he’s doing it to try and save us money.  I wanted to try and get out to the jail early Wednesday morning, but who would have imagined that I would actually sleep on Tuesday night?  It seems that my body mutinies at the most inconvenient times possible. 

I guess I’m throwing in the towel for the night although I fear I won’t be able to sleep the moment I lie down.  I will have to take my chances I guess and write some more tomorrow!  Here’s my quote of the post:

Más vale morirse cagando que pasarse la vida comiendo mierda.

(Better to die shitting than to go through life eating shit)

It made me laugh when I saw it, so there it is!

Ciao

Interesting Spanish words/phrases from this post:

Que Vida, La Mi:  What life of mine (it depends on your point of view as to what translation sounds best)

Pendejo:  Dumbass, Jackass, Stupid, Moron  (vulgar)

Más Vale:  It is better to

Cagar:  To Shit  (vulgar)

Blood sucking financial institutions

Today is the day I decided to look for a new bank for our joint accounts.  I have absolutely had enough of Wells Fargo’s porquerías.  I am being charged $10 a month for letting the bank hold onto MY money?  On top of that their telephone customer service is appalling, and the bankers at the branches are not always all that much better.  They are a soulless community of leaches that heartlessly attach themselves to the wallets of the less fortunate.  They’re like chupacabras only instead of blood; they suck your wallet dry.  Wells Fargo was not my choice, but it was the only bank I knew of at the time that could accommodate us since Alberto doesn’t have status in the United States.  Lizzy said that she and her husband have accounts through Us Bank, and it appears they are less evil than Wells Fargo so I’m going to look into switching.  If anyone else knows of a bank that does the same, please let me know since I love having options!

I use a Credit Union for my personal accounts that I use to pay the bills and I think I would go crazy without them.  Why choose a Credit Union you ask, well I would be more than happy to tell you!  My number one reason is that Credit Unions are serving you, not some nameless board of directors looking to line their pockets with your hard earned money.  I love having my checking and savings account FREE, and that it only took the price of a share ($5) to join.  I also get free checks, but that may be because I have been a member so long.  I walk into the Credit Union and one of the tellers will greet me by name and ask me about my daughter and husband.  When my mom had her checkbooks stolen several years ago, Leah noticed that the signature did not match and stopped all the checks from being honored.  My mom did not have to pay for any special service, and it did not cost her anything to get the situation squared away even though the culprit was never found.  How cool is that?  Leah has known me since I was 8 or thereabouts, and I miss her dearly since she transferred to another branch.  Melissa is my go-to gal these days and she is always willing to go the extra mile to help me out in my time of need.  If I am ever too far away from my branch when I need to complete a transaction, I simply go to a CU Service Center and they will help me free of charge.  How many people can say that about their bank?

A jumble of thoughts in text format

I talked to Marcos yesterday.  He says he doesn’t remember hitting the pedestrian/cyclist, but he does remember talking to be about the bill I received from the insurance company.  He claims that he was in a dark part of his soul those days and his actions were inexcusable.  Finally someone can admit that they screwed up besides me!  I explained the facts of the matter to the best of my knowledge.  After I reviewed the letter of collections and compared it to what I know now about personal injury law, I would say the insurance company paid a liability claim to the victim.  Since there was no insurance on the vehicle at the time of the accident because we had not purchased any yet, the insurance came after me for reimbursement of the claim they had paid to the injured party.  I prepared a cover letter in Spanish along with all the documents I needed to support my claim for repayment and mailed it to Marcos.  Hopefully he decides to make good on his debt because we really need the money.

I know that my blog posts are defying the concept of chronological order, but since when does anything in life have a clearly defined beginning, middle, and end?  My stress level is through the roof right now and it will only get worse until Monday morning when we have a decision from immigration officials in Ciudad Juarez.  In response to my elevated level of anxiety, I have had a tension headache all week.  I am hoping to be able to get away with Lizzy for a pedicure at the local nail salon this weekend.  I can’t go by myself or I’ll stress myself out even more about a situation that I can’t do anything about.  I hate having to ‘wait and see’.  This is our lives, our family that is hanging in the balance not some stupid telenovela where no one is ever happy!  What am I going to do if they say no?  Do I just pack up and leave the only life I’ve ever known, leave my family, and friends?  Go to Mexico where instead of Alberto living in fear of the USCIS here, we can all live in fear for our very lives?  How is that remotely fair to me and our daughter?  Don’t we have any say since we are US Citizens?

Alberto is planning on leaving his house for Ciudad Juarez on Saturday.  He will be taking the bus, which he said is about a 24 hour trip.  I feel sorry for him because of how long the trip will take, but it was his decision on how to go.  We discussed the difference between a flight there and the bus so apparently the place ticket was just too much to handle.  We have to see this process through to the very end.  We’ve invested so much time in the whole process, but the Attorney definitely got the lion’s share of the money.  The Attorney is a subject that I should just avoid talking about, so that’s all I’ll say for now.

I know a few people that are pregnant right now, so a popular topic has been baby names and pregnancy oddities.  It’s too bad that all the popular names are the ones I like the best.  Alberto is the one that chose Ashley’s name; I had wanted to name her Bianca.  I thought it was very difficult to find some names to start with where I didn’t personally know someone with that same name.  Another difficulty is making sure that the initials don’t spell anything, and the mean kids at school won’t have an ugly nickname to call your child.  Initials like C.A.T, or names like Richard paired with awkward last name like Player who then become ‘Dick Player’ to all the mean kids at school around puberty.  Cravings are a good conversation starter (chocolate chip ice cream and buttered popcorn) and weird situations (like the time I almost knocked over a display of pots at Macy’s because I lost my balance while walking) often get everyone laughing.

This is a good time to reiterate that I am not using anyone’s real name in this blog.  EVER.  Not my own name, my husband’s name, our daughter’s name or anyone else’s name.  I’m just making up the names as I go, and if you don’t like your blogged name, submit a change request with a $15 dollar fee and your requested name. 

Ciao

A lesson learned and something to consider

Life continues to catch me off guard at the oddest times.  On Tuesday my sister-in-law Aide told me that her abusive ex-husband is back in Minnesota again.  My first thought was ‘I hope you’re not planning to go anywhere near him without protection’.  I did ask her why she’s mentioned it, and Aide said that it was something I should think about.  We had been discussing how to raise money to pay for the remaining immigration appointments and travel arrangements, but it took me a moment to remember that Marcos owes me a fair amount of money and a sincere apology.  It’s an interesting story that may serve as a warning to any women in my position to not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

Back in January of 2005 Alberto purchased a van that he was going to use for work.  He bought the vehicle from his boss, who insisted that someone transfer the title before anyone else drove the vehicle.  Being that I trusted Alberto, I signed the title when he asked the favor of me with the understanding that he would be the only person to ever drive the van.  Marcos was working with Alberto at the time and for some unknown reason began a slander campaign between the boss and Alberto.  Marcos told Alberto that the boss didn’t want to work with him anymore and that he should stop coming to work.  Alberto who is really a trusting soul, believed everything Marcos had said to him and so he left the van at the boss’s house after the last conversation.