Radio Silence

I hate Mondays, but I’m sure by now I’ve made that perfectly clear. Today I’ve made an important decision; in order to preserve my sanity, I’m going to work my frustration off. I’m going to stick to my program (Couch to 5k) and make it work. I’m going to be sensible about my diet and simply avoid sugary snacks/drinks while adhering to a single serving on a modestly sized plate. Most importantly I’m going to practice a form of radio-silence and not discuss it on the Facebook page that my husband sees. I’m going to be quite sneaky about it and hide my shape whenever I see my in-laws, although my face and neck are a giveaway because they get more defined as I lose pounds. Why you ask? Well it’s because I’m going to be selfish for once. I want to see his jaw drop when I go to Mexico in February. I’ve never had the body of a model, but I’m going to have the best body I can manage.

The first week of the program started on December 4th and I discovered that I can handle it. Sure I was wiped out for an hour afterwards and that first day I was so tired, but the next day I felt better. I didn’t have any breathing problems (suck it exercise-induced asthma!) and I wasn’t wobbly from working harder than usual. I think I would have been setting myself up for failure had I not been working out 3 times a week on the machines at work. This program is set up to be 3 times a week for 7 weeks, so we’ll see just how well I progress. I’m not afraid to repeat a week if I think I need more time to get used to the jogging before advancing.

Interview with the Devil’s Advocate

Yesterday I emailed Lance and Molly to see where the interview would be.  Molly told me to wait for them on the third floor when I arrive, but to try not to be there too early.  Easy for you to say since I cannot arrive anywhere less than 15 minutes early.  I was hoping that my morning errands would help to keep me grounded until the interview.

I had a fitness consultation in the morning at the local gym; she promised she wouldn’t go easy.  I was not looking forward to being tortured by a personal trainer chick that is ridiculously peppy, half my size, and frigging cute as a button.  I’m sure you’re all seen the type of fitness fanatic I’m talking about here.  I got about halfway through the consultation when an employee from the kids’ corner comes downstairs with my daughter who was visibly upset.  Ashley had an accident because no one took her to the potty.  The chick tells me she was in the kids’ corner all by herself and couldn’t take Ashley to the bathroom.  Ok, so how did you manage to bring her to me?  Well she’s the only kid I had up there to watch.  I was livid.  My almost 4 year old daughter is upset because she pissed her pants, and the accident occurred because you wouldn’t take her to the bathroom?!  I had to shut down the anger and quickly because last time I became upset at the gym, my supervisor heard about it the very next morning.  We took the rest of the consult upstairs to a private training room so that I could finish up since Ashley couldn’t go back to kids’ corner.  The personal trainer (who even has a cute name: Julia) could tell I was upset but chose to say nothing about it.  We finished up and I stalked out of the building with Ashley in tow.

Weasel War Dance

Good Lord did I really just attend the eighth Immigration Hearing?  I know we’re coming to the end of this nightmare, but sometimes it’s hard for me to comprehend what we’re going through and what has been lost.  Alberto has been detained by USICE for 149 days as of today, but he’s been in jail for a grand total of 331 days.  That means in just over a month he will have been in jail for a year.  Ashley has had her father nearby for almost an entire year.  Maybe in a way this is yet another blessing in disguise since it has given Ashley a chance to get to know her father.  God willing Alberto will be able to come home before too much longer.

I arrived before Graciela as usual and waited for her in the ‘room of many torments’ found within the bowels of USICE hell.  This was yet another visit where I passed through security without much commentary on behalf of the guards, although I noticed the return of their self-important smirks.  I swear they only asked me for my appointment letter because there was someone who came in the door right behind me.  I stated that I was here, yet again, for my husband’s immigration hearing and passed through the metal detector without issue.  I mumbled on the way out that I would be seeing them next month.  I attribute my defeatist attitude to sleep deprivation; luckily these moods rarely last for very long.  Graciela was the last attorney to arrive, so I anticipated that we would not get in until sometime after 10.  This is why I always bring a book.

April Showers…

A weight loss update is a good beginning for this particular post.  I may not be losing a lot of weight so far, but the inches are coming off so I must be doing something right!  My latest data is from this morning; so far I’ve lost .9 lbs and 9.75 inches in the three weeks I’ve been on the New Leaf program.  I feel better since I’ve been exercising and using the calorie counter on MFP helps me think before I eat something.  I still have to ask myself if I’m really hungry or if I’m just bored, but I think I’m getting better at avoiding the mindless munching.  I’ve missed two weight lifting sessions so far, one because I fell asleep and the other because I was too sore to lift any weights.  I will not allow myself to skip any other weight lifting sessions.

Ashley had her first dental appointment on Thursday and it went much better than I was afraid of.  I got to fill out the small mountain of paperwork, while she got to watch ‘Dudley dinosaur goes to the dentist’ on the TV.  I should mention that this is a pediatric dental office with every amenity possible to help keep children from freaking out.  We had been to this office before when Ashley had a tooth that was changing color as the result of a fall.  Since she was very unhappy after that past appointment because the dentist pushed and pulled on the tooth in question to make sure it wasn’t loose, I was worried how this appointment was going to go.  They painted her teeth pink to show us how she needs to be brushing, and she was very good while the hygienist was polishing her teeth.  She got up multiple times while we were waiting for the dentist because she was bored and she allowed him to pick her teeth without a fuss.  She got 2 stickers, a tiny plastic kitty, and super ball for being a good girl.   She was so happy with her new treasures.

Monday is stalking me...

Last week was busy at work which helped me get my mind off of the deplorable behavior and general attitude of the DHS.  I refuse to dedicate every waking minute of my life to loathing them; it would give them too much power.  Ashley has been sick so I’m getting less sleep than normal, which amounts to about 4 hours a night if that.  I much prefer insomnia to sleeping too much, but it seems I may never find a happy middle ground.

On Tuesday I won a raffle at work for 4 free tickets to Disney on Ice.  I was happy to have won them, but they were for Thursday evening which would mean I’d have to skip my visit with Alberto that day.  At least I had the opportunity to tell Alberto in person on Tuesday, since he hardly ever calls me.  Since I had 4 tickets, I invited my mom and my niece to join Ashley and me.  I figured my poor sister-in-law would be too exhausted to enjoy the show since she is 6 months pregnant with her third child.  I really enjoyed the show and so did the girls. Our seats were awesome; we were on the lower level and 13 rows from the stage.  I definitely want to go again next year, so I better start saving now. 

‘Gourmet’ hot dog dinner - $30, cotton candy - $12, 2 t-shirts - $40, popcorn - $10, Rapunzel doll - $30, Rapunzel hair set - $16, parking - $5, listening to your child exclaim, “Mamí! Mamí!  Look at the princesses!  So pretty!” – priceless.  There are some things money can’t buy.  For everything else there’s a lifetime of debt on a high interest credit card. 

Seriously, that’s almost a $150 for a couple of lukewarm hot dogs that the girls wouldn’t even eat and a few souvenirs!  Yes, it was a cool show and we all enjoyed it, but how much would it have cost us if we’d bought the tickets too?  I shudder just thinking about it.

All I want for Christmas is you

Why is the month of December so much more difficult for me than any other month?  It is the holiday spirit; gift giving, family gatherings, and the pictures of happy families posted everywhere that makes me so blue?  Or is it that I am really pea green with envy at what those pictures show; mom, dad, and child(ren) together and happy?  Why should they have what I have been denied for so many years?  The government took my husband away from me a mere two months before Christmas three years ago and I still feel some bitterness when I think about it.  Ashley has never had a Christmas with her father so at least she doesn’t know what is missing this time of year.  I suppose I prefer that way since this way I have less to make up for.  This year I’m asking Santa Claus to leave Alberto under the Christmas tree for me since that is the only thing I want.  I would love to send out a Christmas card with a picture of the three of us on it.

As I sat here at my faithful computer typing furiously the deluge of thoughts coursing through my head, I looked down at my right hand and smile.  I still wear the ring that Alberto bought me when he was 15.  He gave it to me on our 6th month anniversary back in June of 2002.  It makes me smile to remember when he gave me a choice between two rings that his sister-in-law had in stock while she was selling oro.  I choose the ring with the heart shaped cubic zirconia over the other option; an oval ring with the Virgen de Guadalupe on it.  Ashley likes to try on my ‘pretty’ as she calls it and will parade around the house showing off her ring.  She’s still trying to convince me to buy her a ring, so maybe I’ll find something cheap to give her for Christmas.  I still want to buy her a gold chain like mine for the gold medal of the Virgen de Guadalupe I bought for her in Mexico City last year.  It needs to be a Figaro chain so that she can’t break it, and I would prefer something in the 14-16 inch range so it’s less likely to fall off or get caught on something.  I should call la Madrina and see if she can find me one so I can buy it from Mexico.

T minus 6 days and counting…

I can do this…  I can survive these last few days of anxiety and pain.  I will do whatever needs to be done.  I just need to relax and keep breathing.  Breathe in – hold – and breathe out.  Now that I think about it, this is an excellent time to research meditation and relaxation techniques, so if any of my readers out there have some tips to share I would love to hear them! 

I am averaging around 4 hours of sleep each night when I’m not tossing and turning.  Last night I stayed up until 1 am sorting clothes and packing boxes for whichever organization contacts us regarding donations first.  I’m up to 3 full boxes of clothes, with a fourth box of miscellaneous items.  I can’t believe how much clothing I have that doesn’t fit me even though it’s supposedly the correct size.  During these times I bemoan my large frame and above average height since getting clothing that fits properly is a rare or very expensive.  Thus the reason why retail therapy sessions never go well for me; I always wake up the next morning wondering what happened and why there is a bunch of ugly clothing on the floor.  It’s only a small comfort knowing that 90% of what I put into the boxes was purchased 3 or more years ago.  Just another good reason for me to avoid the mall when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but then again I do the same thing at JoAnn ECT, amassing a collection of miscellaneous crafting supplies for no conceivable reason.  At this point in time new clothing is a luxury item, and the only crafting I’m interested in is making my own clothes.  One of these days I will get brave enough to try something on my sewing machine…

A week that I am glad to be done with…

Ashley’s birthday was a good day, although rather disappointing.  No one who said they were coming actually showed up to Ashley’s birthday party, so it was almost a complete disaster.  The day was saved when my sister-in-law came with Kay, so at least the girls had some fun playing together.  Ashley was clingy by the end of the night, so I let her sleep with me.  I didn’t think too much of it when she woke up at 3 am, whimpering and overly warm.  She asked me to take her up to her bed, which I did and she was back asleep instantly.  She woke up crying at 5 am, and then again at 7 am when it finally computed that she was feverish.  I gave her some Motrin and water in a sippy cup before she fell asleep again.

I was wide awake by the time I had rocked my poor baby to sleep at 7 am, but I still decided to lie down awhile as I figured this was not going to be a great day.  We had a wedding shower for my cousin at 1 pm, and I felt comfortable enough leaving Ashley with my dad since she ate breakfast and had been playing all morning.  Around 3:30 I got the call from my dad.  Ashley was whimpering on the couch and she didn’t want to play, watch her movie, or even get up.  It was about this point when we wished I had driven up separately, but we said our goodbyes and rushed home to my baby girl.  I convinced my mom to drop me off at the house first before taking Carol home because I had a feeling that I was needed as soon as possible.  Upon entering the house, I kicked off my flip flops and ran downstairs to get Ashley and she cried plaintively when she saw me.  I changed her diaper and I brought her upstairs so I could give her some Tylenol.  Just as I was reaching into the cabinet for the bottle, she threw up on me. 

Insert Title Here

I took a half day at work today since I have to work on Saturday.  I can only work 40 hours in a given week so when I neglect to plan ahead for just this occasion, I end up with a half day instead of a full day off during the week.  I had plans at one point to meet some people for lunch, but when that fell through I had a backup plan that took the cake.  I made myself an appointment at Massage Envy and found heaven in an hour for $39 plus tax and tip.  The majority of the time was spent on my upper back and Sarah managed to beat my knots into submission.  I felt good for the first time in about two weeks!    After my massage was over and the sales girl was giving me her spiel about their membership program and my recommended wellness schedule, I reluctantly declined membership since $49 per month is not feasible.  See how low I have sunk that a paltry $49 per month is undoable?  Maybe if I go every three months the $65 per hour long session will seem like a good investment.

My next stop was lunch, and there was a Chipotle just down the strip calling my name.  I entered the restaurant and stopped cold right inside the door.  What the hell was the music they were playing?  It sounded more like new age instead of Mexican.  I approached the counter with apprehension.  What is this?  Where are all the Hispanic men and women that could correctly pronounce ‘carnitas’ and ‘barbacoa’?  It was then I remembered the reason I had avoided Chipotle for so long; the mass firings in December 2010 of the Latino workers who made Chipotle one of my favorite restaurants.  Where is the Hispana who chatted with the hugely pregnant white girl that spoke Spanish?  I even showed her baby pictures since I was there so often since Alberto had cravings for Chipotle at least once a week.  She is gone now, replaced by new workers who have sucked the joy out of my burrito. I have officially scratched Chipotle off my list of desirable fast-food options, and I will now have a moment of silence for my loss. ***SILENCE***  Ok, I’m done now.

May this night be uneventful

I’m hoping for a nice quiet night at this point.  Work today was frustrating to say the least and I need time to decompress and wallow in my 450 thread count sheets.  I am a firm believer that small luxuries are a worthwhile investment as long as you don’t spend beyond your means.  I have two sets of plain serviceable sheets that came as a package and on sale, and my wonderful sheets de lujo.  I change my sheets regularly because not doing so would be completely disgusting, but my deluxe sheets stay out of rotation until I have a particularly bad day.  I’m hoping this way they will last longer since I can’t afford to buy anything new for a while.  I need to get another job just to support my daughter’s diaper habit, since Ms. Ashley does not want to be potty trained.

Speaking of potty training, we have a sticker chart up on the bathroom wall and she gets mad when I don’t let her put stickers on it.  So far this has not done much to motivate Ashley to use the potty, so maybe I need to get some extra special stickers.  What else could I possibly do to motivate the girl?  I will not use food as a motivator because I do not want to lead her down my path to an unhealthy weight.  She already has a bunch of toys.  Maybe I should figure out a way to use coins since she liked my coin purse so much it became Ashley’s coin purse.  She likes to go around to everyone and show them her ‘monies’.  I guess this is something I need to keep thinking about, and I’m going to try pushing for potty training this weekend again.  The problem I have with Ashley is that she is so stubborn that anytime I try to get her to do something she’s not keen on, she shuts down.  I would say she learned this tactic from her father; however she has never been around him enough to pick up this behavior.

In the eye of the storm comes a moment of calm

I would say the official start of the day was at 1 am when Ashley had a coughing fit and started crying.  I look at the bright side of the situation and realize this gave me more cuddle time than I am usually allowed.  She becomes more independent every day.  Just yesterday I tried to give her a hug and she said, “Awwwww Mamí...” in a voice reminiscent of that whiney teenager tone.  I refuse to let her grow up that fast!  She was back in bed within a half an hour and which point I collapsed in my own.  I remember nothing and apparently did not move for the rest of the night.  At 6:45 am, Ashley came downstairs and climbed into bed with me, which I may not have noticed if she didn’t fall on me trying to get to her ‘spot’.  Another round of cartoons and a shower, I began to feel almost human.  This is the point where I usually tell whomever I happen to be talking to that I am not now nor will I ever be a ‘morning person’.  As a matter of fact I had to move my super loud alarm clock to the other side of the room just to facilitate getting my arse out of bed.  I also never shut my curtains so the sun streams in on my face.  Then there is the four different alarms programmed on my cell phone and a backup alarm clock in the opposite corner of my primary alarm.  There are still days that I barely get out the house on time even with all that precaution.

By that time I was reluctantly awake and beginning to feel nervous.  The butterflies in the pit of my stomach quashed my appetite down to nothing.  Since I was running late anyway, I didn’t pack a lunch and figured I would just grab something frozen at the gas station.  This is usually a good backup plan, however, I didn’t actually remember to go and buy something.  I had a Pop Tart for breakfast since there was a box of them in my desk drawer and a piece of cinnamon coffee cake that some dear soul in our office made to share.  I felt sick to my stomach all morning and afternoon.  I finally decided to get Jimmy Johns for lunch since their subs are too bland to offend the stomach, and ended up eating only half of my sandwich.  I hope the other half is still good so I can eat it for lunch tomorrow.  As 4 o’clock approached hobbling on crutches my nervousness progressed to nausea and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.  For the love of frijoles this is my husband I was nervous about seeing!  It must be because so much time has passed since we last spoke face to face.

The hits just keep on coming

Saturday arrived with yet another slap to the face.  I had a horrible night with a sick toddler, so I probably slept no more than 3 hours total.  Even so I was up at 7 o’clock to shower and get dressed.  Ashley woke up crying before I had my outfit together, so I turned on some cartoons to keep her occupied while I got ready.  After last minute issues were taken care of, my mom gave us a ride to the jail since parking was so expensive when I was there on Thursday.  I had asked her to do me that favor yesterday and Lizzy was going to pick us up to go to the meeting afterwards.

We arrived at the jail facility and I got our things together so we could go and visit Alberto.  When we walked in the doors I was surprised that the only people in the lobby area were the two uniformed guards.  Feeling more optimistic I approached the desk and stated my business.  The guard who was a county officer replied rather smartly that visiting was closed because there were too many people waiting to visit on the block where Alberto was being held.  I asked her to please double check for me since this would be the first time Alberto would see his daughter it well over a year.  She called the guard on the block in question, and said that there were still too many people waiting so I would have to visit on another day.  I was crushed.  Though I tried my hardest to maintain my composure, I felt a few tears slip past my guard.  I simply have no defense against any setbacks when it comes to Alberto.  Ashley and I settled ourselves in the lobby to wait for Lizzy to arrive since it was still a little chilly outside.

And Friday was not much better

I think the title says it all.  After the issues I had with Ashley and pink eye in the morning, I decided it was best for me to stay home today and care for my daughter.  I did this knowing that I will be short on hours this week and I can’t make them up.  I’m a seasonal staff member at my place of employment, so I don’t have any options like PTO or sick time for this fiasco.  I absolutely hate staying home unless it is: covered by PTO, covered by Sick Time, or absolutely unavoidable.  I’m the kind of person who stays home only if I’ve vomited in the last few hours, am too dizzy to walk, or I have a fever of 101° or more.  I think this stems from being the sole breadwinner for so long and from my three month stint of being unemployed.  I’ve found that I go crazy when I’m not working, although I would be willing to try this experiment again once we’re living together on our own.  A major issue I had with being home all day was being here with my father who was laid off a few years ago and still is unable to find a job.  The sad thing is we were better off financially when I wasn’t working because my benefits covered all the bills with some extra for essentials.  Now I can barely make ends meet and I have fallen behind on some of my bills because of gas and childcare expenses. 

Childcare expenses, so you see I am paying my mother-in-law for watching my daughter get into trouble because no one is watching her closely enough.  I have a few examples, but the one that is currently pissing me off the most is this one:  I arrive to pick my daughter up just like every other day and everyone is out front because the heat in the house was oppressive.  I went in the house to get Ashley’s bag when my niece Jimena comes up and says that my daughter broke her Nintendo DS.  I ask her how Ashley managed to do that and Jimena tells me that she threw the DS out of the second story window of the house.  I am shocked by this revelation because Ashley does not throw things when we’re at home, let alone out of a window.  My mother-in-law Gisela confirms the story; Ashley was in her bedroom and chucked the game out of the window.  Gisela then proceeds to tell me how a few days prior Ashley had gotten into someone else’s room and tossed a bunch of clothing and a bottle of cologne out of his bedroom window.  I can’t remember exactly who said that I was on the hook to replace the game, but it was at this point I got mad.  To make sure I wouldn’t say something I would later regret, I picked up Ashley and left. What the hell is Gisela doing during the day if she’s not keeping an eye on my daughter whom she insisted she be allowed to care for?  The fact that Ashley did it a second time and it is going to cost me money to replace a broken object makes my blood boil.  She was obviously never yelled at the first time around.  Mind you this is only the most recent offense.  Also she would not have been able to toss anything out of the window if the screens were not in tatters on all the windows.