I often wonder what I would be like today if my world hadn’t crumbled from beneath my feet. Would I be a nicer person, maybe more patient and understanding of the people that are around me? Would I have sympathy for some of the people who currently make me angry when they whine about how they hate their job and no one appreciates them? I’m sorry if your glorious career at Subway doesn’t satisfy you, but if you don’t get off your ass and do something about it nothing will ever change. I often wonder if we would’ve been happy, but in reality there is no point in wondering. I am who I am today because of the pain I survived yesterday. I had no choice but to survive and to tell myself that everything will be ok. I have to believe that everything will be ok just so I can get out of bed in the morning. I need to stand tall and be strong for all of us.
I feel old and cantankerous today. There is no one thing that set me off, just a string of small nothings that merged into a big something. Christmas is the season of hope, love, and family whereas I feel like I’m missing all of the above. Alberto always was the center of my world since about 6 months into our relationship when I realized that I loved him. This month marks the 4th anniversary of our marriage. I don’t know how I managed to forget about our anniversary last week but I suspect it has something to do with the fact I have never been able to celebrate with Alberto. There was never a celebration when we get married; it was a secret only because I was too devastated to share with anyone. I think people found out I was pregnant before they discovered I was now a Mendez. Maybe I regret not including my family or my in-laws in the affair, but maybe it was for the best. Someday we’ll have a party and only God knows where it will take place.
It has been 630 days since the last time we left Mexico, since Ashley hugged her Papí, and since the color leached out of my world again. It has been 143 days since the last time I held Alberto’s hand, when I felt the heat return and the trembling cease. He was so scared of what could happen and it hurt me to see it in his eyes. This was back in August when Brian did me a monumental favor by bringing me in as an interpreter. I think it shocked him to see me go from calm and collected to a bawling mess as soon as we exited the building. It almost scared me how quickly my emotions overwhelmed my control and exposed my pain for all to see. Even when I was sobbing my heart out in front of an extremely uncomfortable attorney, I was glad that I saw Alberto and that I had faced him with clear eyes.
My head is pounding after three days of forgetting to take my medication. Thank God I remembered to take it this morning, and hopefully I will be back to normal tomorrow. I have no idea how I survived the withdrawal from Celexa, the first antidepressant I was prescribed. I stopped taking it when I couldn’t afford the refill and experienced one of the worst weeks of my life. I was nauseated, dizzy, and my head pounded like my own personal orchestra was playing the 1812 Overture replete with cannons for days without pause. When the smoke cleared I felt more alive than I had since the day Alberto left. I was awake for 36 hours or more and cleaned without stop the entire time. I vowed to never medicate again; Celexa had turned me into a zombie and I would not allow that to happen ever again. It wasn’t until almost a year later I agreed to try an antidepressant again.
We have another Immigration hearing next week, God willing Lance found the information he needed to make the best possible decision for our case. We still have a chance to adjust status but the type of parole they gave Alberto with determine if he can stay, or if he has to return to Mexico first. Lance seems to think that applying to adjust status here would be the best route since we could appeal through the Consulate if need be. Thank God our favorite Senator is still in office for a while yet.
“What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”
T.S. Eliot
Ciao
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