Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Feather in the Wind

Today is June 18th, or exactly one month until the one year anniversary of our waiver denial, which is also known as the worst day of my life.  It's times like this when I wonder if there are really 'signs everywhere', and I'm just too deep into survival mode to see them.  Nothing has happened for weeks in regards to anything.  Alberto has been making noises about beginning the process of moving to Mexico to be a family again, and I've been thinking about it.  I get angry when people on the outside of the situation insist it would be a grand adventure to live abroad, because they are stuck looking at an international move as a 'perpetual vacation' instead of a logistics nightmare.  There is so much to think about and do before I can pack a single box and my head is swimming with questions like:         Will Alberto's business be enough to support the family?  Will I need a visa and how much will it cost?  Will Ashley need some special paperwork to go to school?  What the hell will I do with myself all day if I'm not working and am too afraid to leave the house on my own?  What will happen if Ashley gets sick?  Will I have access to mental health care?  What about when I get pregnant?  Will I have to resign to suffer from stomach ailments and diarrhea for the rest of my natural life because I can't handle all the grease and oil the food is cooked in?!?!

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here, but we have already lost so much time to this circus.  I'm just so tired of being surrounded by people when all I want is just 5 minutes of solitude.  I want to come home from work and not be subjected to a 10 minute monologue about how Trevor is no longer 'plugged up' and is much happier now as a result.  I want to sit at the kitchen table and start an art project with Ashley without worrying over Kay getting jealous or Mikey snatching the permanent markers off the table to go write on the wall somewhere.  I want to make cookies or bake a cake from scratch and not feel guilty that 3/4 of the children in the house can't eat it because there was egg in the batter.  I want my goddamn peanut butter toast for breakfast without having to follow a 6 step plan so that Kay/Mikey/Trevor don't end up in the ER with anaphylaxis.

I was on my way home from work, listening to Intocable, when a feather floated through the window and landed on my hand.  Since I was traveling at about 40 mph when this happened I was obviously surprised, but the fact of the matter is that I was thinking about a movie that I like and how the main character assures us that there are signs everywhere.  Earlier today I had been going through my secure thumb drive that I store all of my important documents on, including everything immigration related fro the last 2 years or so.  I had been considering contacting Diana to see if the liaison had our file yet to see what, if anything, they were able to do for us.  My neighbor also stopped by to tell me that he'd passed my information on to the contacts he has in USCIS to see if they could do anything to help us.  I had also considered sending Lance's office a check for $20, from the checkbook I only found last week, to start paying down what was left of the copying and mailing charges that owed.  The feather could be interpreted to mean anything, but I like to think this particular white feather is a symbol that there will be better days if I can manage to be brave and hold on.

Sometimes when your at the end of your rope, you find some reason to keep moving forward.


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