I often wonder what I would be like today if my world hadn’t crumbled from beneath my feet. Would I be a nicer person, maybe more patient and understanding of the people that are around me? Would I have sympathy for some of the people who currently make me angry when they whine about how they hate their job and no one appreciates them? I’m sorry if your glorious career at Subway doesn’t satisfy you, but if you don’t get off your ass and do something about it nothing will ever change. I often wonder if we would’ve been happy, but in reality there is no point in wondering. I am who I am today because of the pain I survived yesterday. I had no choice but to survive and to tell myself that everything will be ok. I have to believe that everything will be ok just so I can get out of bed in the morning. I need to stand tall and be strong for all of us.
I feel old and cantankerous today. There is no one thing that set me off, just a string of small nothings that merged into a big something. Christmas is the season of hope, love, and family whereas I feel like I’m missing all of the above. Alberto always was the center of my world since about 6 months into our relationship when I realized that I loved him. This month marks the 4th anniversary of our marriage. I don’t know how I managed to forget about our anniversary last week but I suspect it has something to do with the fact I have never been able to celebrate with Alberto. There was never a celebration when we get married; it was a secret only because I was too devastated to share with anyone. I think people found out I was pregnant before they discovered I was now a Mendez. Maybe I regret not including my family or my in-laws in the affair, but maybe it was for the best. Someday we’ll have a party and only God knows where it will take place.