Saturday, April 20, 2013

Surviving with only Half a Heart

At first I wasn't going to talk about the last few days we were in Mexico or the pure misery of going to the airport the morning we left, but I realize now that I need to talk.  I need to mourn the loss of the physical connection that I so desperately need, and in order to mourn I need to feel once again.  Living for a week completely numb to the pain and horrible sense of loss was necessary to my survival.  I will live my life one day at a time, knowing that I can begin setting money aside with the hope that I can see my love again for Christmas.

It's harder than I remembered; coming back to the sterile life I lead after truly living for a short while.  It's just another coping mechanism, one in which I lie to myself about the pain that threatens to rend my very soul to pieces at any given moment.  In the past I compared the difference of life with Alberto and life without to the movie Wizard of Oz and how Dorothy is thrown from a black and white world into a glorious technicolor dream world then wakes up back where she started.  These last few years have been stained by the filters I use to survive, filters which rob much of the color and wonder that exists in everyday life.  I found early on that it was easier to survive without emotions because there was no way to block just the sorrow and pain, it was all or nothing and I chose 'nothing'.  I've become so good at blockading my emotions that they rarely surface.  Many people in my family have witnessed some time or another in which I've laughed myself to tears, not realizing the tears were in fact unrelated and how close I came to losing the war in this never ending battle against myself.  I shy away from all gatherings and celebrations; despite having lost the ability to enjoy myself, I have no wish to rain on anyone's parade.  It's been especially hard for my in-laws to understand why I continually avoid socializing with them and I try to explain that it has to do with a defect within myself and less with them in general.  I think they understand that at least part of distance I maintain is because they are Alberto's family and he is not here with me.

I can only hope that by the end of the month I am back to what has been normal for me these last few years.  I keep thinking that I just need to hold on a little bit longer, but how much longer?  I say to myself that the USCIS is adjudicating our waiver again, but I don’t know if that will take 4 months or more than 6 months and when exactly should have been the day we started counting that amount of time from?  I just want a decision so we can start planning for a life together.  I need my husband as much as Ashley needs her father; the only difference between those needs is I know what I'm missing in my life and Ashley has never had her father long enough to know what is to missing.


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