Early in the week I was already beginning to get irritable, but I only noticed it on Friday. Brian was supposed to go to the jail will me to visit Alberto to learn more about the night in question. This was going to be the first time I had ever physically been in the same room as Alberto within touching distance in over a year. I was looking forward to being able to actually hold my husband’s hand! Then about an hour before I was to leave work, I received an email from Brian complaining about his throbbing headache and how we would be better off going on Sunday. I don’t know how to describe the pain that this simple email inflicted on me, but I wrapped my disillusionment into a tight ball and somehow resisted the urge to be sarcastic or biting in my response. I suggested that Brian go lie down in a dark quiet room and nap for an hour. My own migraines, which feel like a rusty hacksaw rendering my brain into minuscule pieces, can only be cured by a complete and total mental shutdown.
I spent the rest of the weekend in a rotten mood which has yet to leave me in peace. We made some homey additions to the little wood playhouse we constructed after the outdoor rug was in place. We took several plastic edging pieces that were fashioned to look like a little wooden fence, and used them to stake two corners of the carpet to the ground. It was difficult to grow any grass in that area of the yard because of the shade, so the carpet was one way to keep the mud down.
I also talked to my mom about the possibility of taking the tax preparer courses offered by H&R Block this year as a way of attaining additional marketable skills and having the possibility of securing employment during tax season. The only class nearby I was able to locate that I could possibly attend take place Monday and Thursday nights for about 4 months. My mom knows me and seems to think that this could be good if I stuck it out to the end, but when have I ever managed to do just that? It is $250 to enroll without any additional expenses such as books, but even that might be too much for me to handle. Then I have to consider that at least one of these classes will fall on a day of the trial, and I must be there!
Speaking of the trial, Brian and I did go to jail to visit with Alberto on Sunday. We had a little more difficulty then I might have suspected, but the real situation only dawned on the guards after we had been with Alberto for about 30 minutes. You see, an attorney visit is conducted on a separate floor because those visits are contact instead of non-contact because of the attorney-client privilege. Now consider that because I am married to Alberto, I am not supposed to have contact visits at all while he is in jail. When the guard politely knocked and entered the room, he told us that I was not allowed to be there. I am not going to say that I remember exactly what was said during the brief conversation, but Brian told Alberto say (if asked) that someone told him to list me that way because I would get special rights as a spouse. As we were leaving, the guard told Brian that his sergeant did mind overmuch and neither did he *if* I was Alberto’s spouse. He then asked me point blank if I was married to Alberto, and I shook my head no. I hope Brian understands me now when I told him that cannot lie. The guards at the front of the building told Brian they needed something a little more official next time, so I will be placed on the letterhead for the next visit.
During the telling of the incident and attempting to discover the truth as Alberto knew it, I couldn’t help reaching under the table for his hand. His eyes were glassy with barely restrained emotion, his lips trembled, and his hands moved in wide gestures in an attempt to hide his perceived weakness. I could almost smell the fear pouring off of him and his hands were like ice. I know now how scared Alberto is of what could happen next. He has done a good job of putting up a brave front, but I saw the truth in his eyes while I was there. I will not my in-laws that he is frightened although I don’t think anyone would blame him for admitting it; he deserves to keep his pride intact. I wish now I would have taken the opportunity that Brian offered us when he said he would leave the room for a few minutes if we needed it. I would do anything now for a decent hug from Alberto. Maybe next time, that is if they let me back in.
Today is Alberto’s birthday, a fact that makes me want to curl up into a ball and weep. Although I don’t remember the date, it was during August of 2001 that I met Alberto at McDonalds. Ten years; it’s hard for me to believe it has really been that long. In another 12 days Ashley will be 3 years old, and she was only 8 weeks old when Alberto took his voluntary departure. So much time has been lost already to this never-ending crusade…
The visit today did not go smoothly. When I approached the desk to get permission to go to the bathroom, the guard recognized me from Sunday. He asked if I was a certified interpreter, and I replied that I was not. He seemed about to take me to task for the visit with the attorney the other day, when I told him the visit was not to take an official statement from the client nor to have any legal documents signed therefore there was no reason to have a certified interpreter involved. I am bilingual, and I am capable of assisting when I am asked to do so. The guard ceased his prying and we continued on our way. I wish I wasn’t unique and that people would not remember me so easily. I’m very tall at 5’10”, very white, and I have a distinct Mexican accent when I speak Spanish which means too many people remember me when I wish they wouldn’t. I emailed Brian about the encounter once we were back in the waiting area, it will be interesting to see what he says about it. We got in to the visiting area and upstairs with little fanfare and I spoke with Alberto first. He is concerned that the attorney is not taking this seriously and mentioned how he seemed more eager to get to his precious barbeque then to the visit at hand. Although I had the same concern, I glossed over it to try and put Alberto at ease. Anita and Marcos made Alberto smile many times during the visit, but the room is too small for so many people. Ashley was cranky and unhappy during most of the visit, which made Alberto unhappy with me since he doesn’t like to see his princess chastised. The coupe de grace occurred when Ashley climbed up my leg and boosted herself onto the counter. I went to pull her back down and she smacked her head into the frame of the glass partition trying to wrench her hand from my grasp. She gave herself a small goose egg on the top of her head, which thank God Alberto couldn’t see, and wailed for 3 minutes.
I give up. It’s 10 minutes until midnight and I’m throwing in the towel. I sincerely hope that tomorrow is a better day for us all. This quote has helped me deal with today so I thought I would share it!
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
Samuel Johnson
Ciao
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